STAFF MANAGEMENT - What should we do with a defensive team member?

Maybe she was rude to a patient or she continuously makes the same mistake.  Possibly she doesn’t seem to be improving her performance or isn’t getting alone with other staff.  Or she won’t consistently get to work on time or is constantly using her cell phone against the office policy.

Whatever the case, every time we talk with her, she becomes defensive.  She denies that there’s a problem or gives us an excuse as to why it’s was someone else’s fault.

Defensiveness springs from basic insecurities – some she may be able to overcome, others are so deep rooted that we’re never going to change them. The reasons why she’s feeling defensive are largely irrelevant; fortunately for us, however, the solutions are the same.

PREPARE TO TALK

Before approaching someone about a behavioral issue, I always ask myself two questions:

Have I contributed to this problem in some way?

I start with some self-reflection.  It’s easy to see this as “her problem” and not fully understand my contribution.

• Have I been overly critical?
• Have I been expecting too much too soon?
• Am I micromanaging her behavior?
• Do I not tolerate “mistakes”, calling out the staff for every little thing?
• Fundamentally, am I the one triggering this defensiveness by tapping into someone’s insecurities?
• If so, I must change MY approach before I can expect a different response.

What’s the real issue here?

The “bad” behavior we’ve identified is rarely the issue.  The issue is always the consequences of the behavior. 

There are actually two consequences of defensive behavior:

1. The behavior that triggered the conversation

• The issue is not that’s she’s late for work; the issue is that others have to do more to prepare for the day and are resenting it.
• The issue is not that she keeps making the same mistake; the issue is that she’s repeatedly making others do unnecessary work to correct her mistakes.

2. The defensive behavior itself

• The second issue is that she’s defensive when we ask her to handle a situation differently.
• That makes her unapproachable and unteachable.
• But the real issue is that because of this, she can’t improve! – either her job performance or her relationships with others.

ADDRESS THE ISSUE

It’s easy to tolerate or ignore the problem, but we must address the issue if we expect it to improve.  The best model that I’ve found for this type of discussion is in the book, Crucial Accountability: Tools for Resolving Violated Expectations, Broken Commitments, and Bad Behavior by Patterson and others.  Far and away, it’s my #1 reading recommendation for anyone who wants to master the skill of having behavioral or performance discussions with others. 

The steps are:

1. Create Safety

When approaching a defensive assistant, we must first make her FEEL SAFE.  This requires that we have our emotions under control. If we’re angry or upset, it naturally will raise the other’s defenses.

To create safely:

Mention the Good

Make sure to mention the things that she’s doing right.  And be specific.  “You’re great with. . .” and “I appreciate how you . . .” Let her know that you think that she has the potential to be even better.  Let her know how valuable she is and how you want the two of you to work together if she will allow you to help her improve.

Offer to Help

Demonstrate that you are on her side. Come to an understanding that you will work to help her improve.  But, a warning. We must genuinely believe that improvement is possible.  Without that mindset, we can't be authentic. If we secretly want her gone or believe she’s incapable of improving, only the most accomplished actors among us can pull the charade off.

2. Describe the Gap & Show the Impact

That is the GAP between what happened and how we would like it to be.  Withhold any judgmental language such as, “You were very defensive.’ or “You’re overly sensitive.”

Be specific

Rather, describe the observed behavior non-judgmentally. “The other day, when I asked you to be more compassionate with that patient who was upset, you told me that you thought what you did was fine.” Then describe how you wish it would be.  “I want to be able to mention something like that to you and have you receptive to discussing ways to handle it differently.”

Show the Impact

“Unless I feel that I can make suggestions and have you be receptive, it will be difficult for you to get better.”  Also, others may see your resistance and begin to think less of you.”

Describe the ideal working relationship

“I’d like to feel that I can count on you to be open to doing things differently” Continue to reassure her that you’re on her side.  Listen to how she feels in these situations and come to an understanding that you both want to work together better.

3. Agree on a Plan with Follow-up

Come up with a specific way to address both issues.

Agree on a Plan 

This will involve improvements in the basic performance issue & her reaction when you make any suggestions.  Ask her how she wants you to handle your suggestions in a way that she will be willing to be receptive.  Ask her to use it as a vehicle to allow her to “practice” openness to being taught by you and others.  Make it motivating and easy for her to act differently.

Schedule a Follow-up Conversation

This final point is important.  Both of you may be uncomfortable with these kinds of discussions.  Without a “next time”, you’ll both conveniently “forget”.  Consider this an ongoing process and not a “one conversation solves everything” situation. Employees come with all sorts of baggage, and while it’s not our job to be their therapist, it’s our job to find the right way to communicate with them as individuals. What works great for one may not work for another.

On the short term, she may respond favorably to this approach, or she may react poorly.  But at least, we’ve given it the best chance for success.  Stay focused though. And each time she regresses, gently remind her of “what you’ve agreed to”. 

If this situation requires several discussions, then . . .

THINK CPR

Each subsequent discussion of the same issue, however, should not be a repeat of the first.  Instead, Crucial Accountability suggests that we use the acronym “CPR”.

1. The first time a problem comes up, talk about CONTENT, what happened.

• “This is the third time in the last two weeks that you’ve come in late. (Behavior) I’m concerned that others then have to do more to prepare for patients and may be starting to resent it.” (Consequence of the behavior)
• The Content of a problem typically concerns a single event or series of events.

2. The second time the problem occurs, talk about the PATTERN, what keeps happening.

• “This is the second time we’ve had this discussion about coming to work on time. You agreed that it wouldn’t happen again, and I’m concerned that I can’t count on you to keep your promise.”
• Pattern acknowledges that this problem has a history, and that having a history makes a difference to the discussion. The staff will want to go back to talking about Content, telling you about some special situation as to why you should excuse her this time.  We must keep the discussion on the Pattern.
• “I’m less concerned about what happens each time that causes you to be late; I’m more concerned with the fact that it keeps happening.” (the Pattern)

3. If the behavior continues, next talk about the RELATIONSHIP, what’s happening between the two of you. The issue is not that someone has not followed through repeatedly; it’s that these disappointments are affecting your relationship with them.

• “You do so many good things here, but this issue is starting to contaminate how I feel about you and whether we should continue working together. I guess my fear is that this problem is never going to get better.”
• It’s no longer about the behavior, it’s how you can’t trust what they say they’ll do anymore. Stay away from discussing the Pattern or you’ll have the same conversation as you had last time.  Finally, come to a conclusion as to what will happen next.
• “If this happens again, I’m going to have to let you go.” Without improvement over time, though, she needs to go. Her defensive behavior will hold you back and never allow your team to become the kind of team you want. 

If you reach this point, in my experience, most will look for another place to work and quit; a few will have to be dismissed. If you do have to let someone go, you’ll be surprised how the rest of the staff will often wonder, “What took you so long?”